I think the phrase “You only live once” is kind of funny. Just now I was thinking that I was really thirsty and whether I wanted some water or a pop. It’s fairly late, so I was leaning towards water when I literally said to myself “Hey, you only live once” and went and got a pop. This is the kind of useless pansy stuff that the phrase is most often used in conjunction with. Like “should I get an extra patty on my cheeseburger?” “Hey, you only live once”. You know, shit like that.

But then there are other times when it’s kind of more appropriate. Like if you’re going to jump off a 100 foot cliff into some water and you’re like “Hmmm, maybe I shouldn’t do this” and then someone says “Hey, you only live once” and you’re like “Damn, you’re right! Fuck it, I’m jumping!” But really, the phrase doesn’t work in dangerous situations like that because it’s like yea, I do only live once, that’s why I’m not going to do this thing that I could possibly die at, because of that exact phrase that you just said. Especially depending on the tone they say the phrase in too, like you have those people that when you’re about to do something crazy are like “Meh, you only live once” and you’re like “What the fuck does that mean, does that mean I should do it? Give me a yes or no”. And then if you said the phrase around someone who’s crazy religious you’d be all “Fuck yea jump! Woo! You only live once!” and they’d say “Actually I believe that we are reborn into another life…” and you’d be like “So are you going to jump or not?”

How many people have had this happen to them. You’ve just gotten into the shower, and you’re starting to lather and such, thinking “Wow, this shampoo does give my hair more body”, when all of a sudden you start to see one of the most dangerous shower situations unfolding before your very eyes. All of a sudden, the shower curtain begins moving towards you. All you can think of is “Not now, oh my God, why me” as you start to back up slowly, hugging the back wall of the shower. The curtain is flailing against the water stream and the only thing you can think of is how this is possibly the worst thing that could ever happen to you in that shower. And every time it hits you, you make a little sound like “Aah!” It reminds me of that game you play when you’re a kid and it’s like “The black tiles are lava!” Well, yea now the shower curtain is lava and you’re fucking trapped.

It’s even worse if you’re in any sort of public shower too. At home if the curtain hits you, you can shrug it off because it’s your curtain and you know all the shit you’ve done in there. In public though, you have no idea how many people have touched that thing and you make it even more and disgusting in your head. All you think of is the most gross and disgusting shit that anyone could ever do and they’ve done it on that curtain. And somehow you fail to realize how gross that back wall of the shower is because the only thing more disgusting is the shower curtain that’s reaching out to your legs as you’re saying “not me, not me!” I can only imagine what other people do in these situations, but if they’re anything like me you end up in the most ridiculous positions trying to avoid that curtain. Like one leg is over the faucet and the other is on the top of the curtain rod and you’re just waiting for someone to yell out “Left hand green!” because of how stupid you look. It’s sort of like if you could do a standing fetal position, it would be exactly the position you make when you’re trying to avoid that curtain.

But it seriously is the most uncomfortable thing that regularly happens in a shower. I can’t say I’ve ever met anyone who’s all like “Yea, I let the curtain rub against me. It was awesome”. That doesn’t happen. And if they do say that, they’re lying. They were hugging that wall like the rest of us making stupid noises trying to think of any possible way to make that curtain stay on the other side of the shower.